Breakfast!

Well, I woke up this morning thinking, am I nuts? What did I do yesterday? Oh yeah, that's right, you ate a bag of Oreo cookies and decided you had enough of sugar controlling your life!

So this morning I had two glasses of ice water, yum, took care of nursing baby Eva then headed into the kitchen to cook my breakfast! I had a half a tomato sliced, some sauteed eggplant with garlic, and made an 'omelete' with egg beater, diced red onion, and feta. Feta had no sugar so I was all for it!



It was actually really filling and tasting. About two hours later I had an apple. I am supposed to try to eat every two hours (yeah, good luck with that). I am going to try and keep my snacks to fruit, veggies, and a bit of lean protein when I need to.

For dinner I am thinking something with Shrimp since Michael will be out having a beer with a friend who is having a birthday. That means he'll have nachos and most likely come home exhauted! And I get to eat what I want, which I guess is shrimp and veggies!

I would like to add a disclaimer that I am not doing this specifically for weight loss. I'm doing this to get rid of my horrible cravings and to be a healthier person. After I prove to myself I *can* live without sugar, then we will consider a weight loss plan. I do want to exercise while I am doing this though!

Seven Days...

Well since my last post I've lost 10 lbs and gained about 8 back. After a trip to the grocery store to get cat liter which also involved several chocolate bars and a bag of cookies, I realize I really need to do something different.

I've always had trouble with sugar and those refined carbs, so as I was reading around on some blogs today, I've decided to go 7 days without sugar.

Seven frickin' days.

I thought what would be better than blogging about it each day to help keep me on track. Sure, I don't have alot of blog readers, but the ones I do have are good friends. Maybe they could help me stay on track.

Officially I am going to start tomorrow, a Friday, and will to next friday. The plan I am doing is 30 days sugar free, but if I think of it that way my head might explode, so I am going to take it a week at a time.

No sugar also means no starchy fruits, artificial sweeteners, alcohol, juices, soda, starchy veggies, grains. Which means no bread. Or morning oatmeal. For all that is holy, how am I going to do this!

I know sugar is bad for you. HFCS is even worse and somehow I need to purge these things from my body. It ain't gonna be easy with an ice cream store right across the street from me, but I gotta do it. Living trapped by my food sure isn't fun! So for 7 days let's see what we can do. After my long term goal is met, maybe I can work on moderation, but that discussion will be for another day.

We will start tomorrow and hopefully I'll be able to take pics of all my yummy meals.

Compulsive Eater: A label I wear, but no longer defines me

I like to eat.

No, scratch that. I’m a compulsive eater.

Obsessed. All consuming. If you were to be invisible inside my kitchen some days you’d watch me eat an entire pie, go through the process of making cookies just to eat cookie dough. All of it.

And then, when the fog clears, when clarity returns to my eyes, I can finally feel again. Like some unknown force took over my body and there was nothing I could do but eat, eat and eat some more. And then I think ‘what the hell did I do that for’ ?
We’ve begun the process of finding out.

For so long I’ve felt trapped by bonds that I made myself. Like everything I did during the day was determined about when and what I would eat. Some days I have barely been able to breathe thanks to my obsession with food. I’ve loved it and hated it. Both with a passion. For how it tastes and how it’s controlled me.
I’ve always spoken about food with cautious qualifiers. I *think* I can lose the weight. I *think* I like this diet. Sure, I’ll *try* to run. But no more. I can say now, with confidence and assurance that I have unlocked what I need to do to be thin. To be healthy.

At once I feel free, like for the first time I can breathe without restraint. Like taking off a vest that’s been too tight. And at the same time I’m terrified. I don’t know what will be in store with me if I can lick the food obsession I’ve harbored for so long. What will I think about? What will my days be like if I’m not eating half a bag of M&Ms or more?

I can think of a few things and I am desperately telling myself not to be afraid. And to just do it!

• Play with Eva with love, more energy, more creativity.
• Keep house better.
• Organize myself, my thoughts, and my life.
• Write, for the love of God, I’d be able to write.

I’ve used food as a source of emotional comfort, intimacy, and whenever I was afraid to feel what I was really feeling, needing. Now I need to discover behind the food, the self loathing, who am I really?

It’s been starting slowly over the last few weeks. I got down to 226 pounds and freaked out because I was at my lowest in about 3 years. So I promptly went back up to 235 pounds where, for me, I am comfortably plump.

Also incredibly morbidly obese, but we all have our own comfort zone. For me, it’s being over 230 pounds.

Now a few weeks of work, of driving myself hard, and I am sitting back at 227. Can I get past that 226 number? I think I can. No, I know I can. I can do it. I can stand, (to paraphrase a Super Chick Song) through the pain, in the rain, and feel it. Deal with it. Feel it. Own it. And move on.

I’ve began to stand up to that voice that says in my head, you’re no good. You’re not worth it. Why don’t you just finish off that cake, it’ll taste real good. With a really loud and ‘Screw you. Shut up. Go away.’ It’s working. Or starting to. This afternoon it wanted me to eat an entire sausage along with my actual lunch which was healthy and balanced.

I didn’t give in. I told it I don’t want that entire sausage. But you know what, I wantea small piece of sausage. So I cut off a small piece, ate it, and put the rest of the sausage back in the fridge.

I ate something in moderation. Holy Crap, to quote Frank Barone. I haven’t done that in decades if ever.

Things I’ve learned about myself lately:

• I will always run to food first when something unexpected happens that’s hurtful, shocking, or just out of the ordinary.
• I actually *like* going to the gym. Who knew? I know I went because I had to, but I had no idea I actually liked going!
• When my brain is screaming ‘get a cheese burger, or something fries’ sometimes I don’t even like the taste. So why give in?
• Fruit and veggies are way more satisfying to my body than my mind would like me to believe.

I know I’m funny, vibrant, colorful, full of life, with a tendency to be eccentric and I LOVE these things about myself. When was the last time I could say I loved *anything* about myself? Or could I ever say these things?

Now I need to find out more. What, and who, are really under the unwanted pounds of pain, emotion, and lack of dicpiline. I hope you’ll come along with me on this journey.