Breakfast!

Well, I woke up this morning thinking, am I nuts? What did I do yesterday? Oh yeah, that's right, you ate a bag of Oreo cookies and decided you had enough of sugar controlling your life!

So this morning I had two glasses of ice water, yum, took care of nursing baby Eva then headed into the kitchen to cook my breakfast! I had a half a tomato sliced, some sauteed eggplant with garlic, and made an 'omelete' with egg beater, diced red onion, and feta. Feta had no sugar so I was all for it!



It was actually really filling and tasting. About two hours later I had an apple. I am supposed to try to eat every two hours (yeah, good luck with that). I am going to try and keep my snacks to fruit, veggies, and a bit of lean protein when I need to.

For dinner I am thinking something with Shrimp since Michael will be out having a beer with a friend who is having a birthday. That means he'll have nachos and most likely come home exhauted! And I get to eat what I want, which I guess is shrimp and veggies!

I would like to add a disclaimer that I am not doing this specifically for weight loss. I'm doing this to get rid of my horrible cravings and to be a healthier person. After I prove to myself I *can* live without sugar, then we will consider a weight loss plan. I do want to exercise while I am doing this though!

Seven Days...

Well since my last post I've lost 10 lbs and gained about 8 back. After a trip to the grocery store to get cat liter which also involved several chocolate bars and a bag of cookies, I realize I really need to do something different.

I've always had trouble with sugar and those refined carbs, so as I was reading around on some blogs today, I've decided to go 7 days without sugar.

Seven frickin' days.

I thought what would be better than blogging about it each day to help keep me on track. Sure, I don't have alot of blog readers, but the ones I do have are good friends. Maybe they could help me stay on track.

Officially I am going to start tomorrow, a Friday, and will to next friday. The plan I am doing is 30 days sugar free, but if I think of it that way my head might explode, so I am going to take it a week at a time.

No sugar also means no starchy fruits, artificial sweeteners, alcohol, juices, soda, starchy veggies, grains. Which means no bread. Or morning oatmeal. For all that is holy, how am I going to do this!

I know sugar is bad for you. HFCS is even worse and somehow I need to purge these things from my body. It ain't gonna be easy with an ice cream store right across the street from me, but I gotta do it. Living trapped by my food sure isn't fun! So for 7 days let's see what we can do. After my long term goal is met, maybe I can work on moderation, but that discussion will be for another day.

We will start tomorrow and hopefully I'll be able to take pics of all my yummy meals.

Compulsive Eater: A label I wear, but no longer defines me

I like to eat.

No, scratch that. I’m a compulsive eater.

Obsessed. All consuming. If you were to be invisible inside my kitchen some days you’d watch me eat an entire pie, go through the process of making cookies just to eat cookie dough. All of it.

And then, when the fog clears, when clarity returns to my eyes, I can finally feel again. Like some unknown force took over my body and there was nothing I could do but eat, eat and eat some more. And then I think ‘what the hell did I do that for’ ?
We’ve begun the process of finding out.

For so long I’ve felt trapped by bonds that I made myself. Like everything I did during the day was determined about when and what I would eat. Some days I have barely been able to breathe thanks to my obsession with food. I’ve loved it and hated it. Both with a passion. For how it tastes and how it’s controlled me.
I’ve always spoken about food with cautious qualifiers. I *think* I can lose the weight. I *think* I like this diet. Sure, I’ll *try* to run. But no more. I can say now, with confidence and assurance that I have unlocked what I need to do to be thin. To be healthy.

At once I feel free, like for the first time I can breathe without restraint. Like taking off a vest that’s been too tight. And at the same time I’m terrified. I don’t know what will be in store with me if I can lick the food obsession I’ve harbored for so long. What will I think about? What will my days be like if I’m not eating half a bag of M&Ms or more?

I can think of a few things and I am desperately telling myself not to be afraid. And to just do it!

• Play with Eva with love, more energy, more creativity.
• Keep house better.
• Organize myself, my thoughts, and my life.
• Write, for the love of God, I’d be able to write.

I’ve used food as a source of emotional comfort, intimacy, and whenever I was afraid to feel what I was really feeling, needing. Now I need to discover behind the food, the self loathing, who am I really?

It’s been starting slowly over the last few weeks. I got down to 226 pounds and freaked out because I was at my lowest in about 3 years. So I promptly went back up to 235 pounds where, for me, I am comfortably plump.

Also incredibly morbidly obese, but we all have our own comfort zone. For me, it’s being over 230 pounds.

Now a few weeks of work, of driving myself hard, and I am sitting back at 227. Can I get past that 226 number? I think I can. No, I know I can. I can do it. I can stand, (to paraphrase a Super Chick Song) through the pain, in the rain, and feel it. Deal with it. Feel it. Own it. And move on.

I’ve began to stand up to that voice that says in my head, you’re no good. You’re not worth it. Why don’t you just finish off that cake, it’ll taste real good. With a really loud and ‘Screw you. Shut up. Go away.’ It’s working. Or starting to. This afternoon it wanted me to eat an entire sausage along with my actual lunch which was healthy and balanced.

I didn’t give in. I told it I don’t want that entire sausage. But you know what, I wantea small piece of sausage. So I cut off a small piece, ate it, and put the rest of the sausage back in the fridge.

I ate something in moderation. Holy Crap, to quote Frank Barone. I haven’t done that in decades if ever.

Things I’ve learned about myself lately:

• I will always run to food first when something unexpected happens that’s hurtful, shocking, or just out of the ordinary.
• I actually *like* going to the gym. Who knew? I know I went because I had to, but I had no idea I actually liked going!
• When my brain is screaming ‘get a cheese burger, or something fries’ sometimes I don’t even like the taste. So why give in?
• Fruit and veggies are way more satisfying to my body than my mind would like me to believe.

I know I’m funny, vibrant, colorful, full of life, with a tendency to be eccentric and I LOVE these things about myself. When was the last time I could say I loved *anything* about myself? Or could I ever say these things?

Now I need to find out more. What, and who, are really under the unwanted pounds of pain, emotion, and lack of dicpiline. I hope you’ll come along with me on this journey.

Score!

Well, being a Plus Sized girl got me something. It got one of my articles featured on the front of EzineArticles.com ! Sure, there are quite a few articles there, but only after 2 articles submitted I've achieved the title of 'expert'.

I do have alot of experience and years at this being plus sized thing so I guess that's okay.

I have no idea what it really means to be featured or an expert, but at least I get this handy little icon to put on the front of my website!

Interested in my article? Here it is!

Exercising

Today I went out for a little walk around the neighborhood. It was a nice day and finally it feels like spring may be on its way. I didn't realize how cooped up inside my apartment I had been feeling until I was able to stretch my legs.

It was nice being able to get out, but I can never relax another other people when I'm outside. My own insecurities consume me. Make me feel like if I'm huffing up a hill and if anyone sees me, they will notice. Maybe even silently mocking me.

Crazy, eh? I realize it probably all is in my head. Most people couldn't care less about little (or big) old me. I realize if I want to get out there either for weight loss or just to enjoy life, I need to get over it. Or at the very least endure it.

Plus Size Fashions

Our last post we talked about the mall and fashions. Well, just a few days after that I get a postcard in the mail. What it says is distubring. The plus sized store Lane Bryant at my local mall is closing! Now the closest one is about forty minutes away. This may force me to get serious about weight loss.

While I lament upon giving up my favorite foods and beginning a Exercise regime, there are at least online stores that can give me some clothing choices. http://www.buyplussized.com has a few suggestions on dresses and how to look my best.

Although I must say, sometimes I rather just stick my hair up under a hat, toss on some sneakers, and forget this try to look nice thing.

Living a Plus Sized Life

I'm no big boned. Its not baby fat. I'm not undertall. I am really just fat.

Yes, I'm a plus sized girl. While I'm not alone in this, it sure doesn't feel that way. Partially television and movies make me feel this way. But there's also the mall. Where me, a size 18/20 which is 'moderately' plus, can only shop at 2-3 stores at any given mall. Three being on the high end of the scale.

When I shop with my size 0 sister, I feel somehow if I should apologize when I walk into the super little stores. So little, sometimes i wonder if I'll get stuck between the racks. I don't blame the shop keepers though, they aren't to blame for my feelings of self consciousness. I just wish I could feel normal for once. For once forget my size and pretend to be someone else.

These are my journeys and ramblings as a plus sized woman. Am I ashamed of my size? Sometimes I am. Do I feel beautiful? Sometimes but not often enough.

Should I lose weight? And if so, how? Exercise seems to be the corner stone according to some sites. But, some days I can barely make it up the 3 flights of stairs to my apartment so how am I supposed to workout for any length of time?

Suck it up and do it, that voice in my head says but apart of me is afraid. What if I do succeed? How will I view myself if the weight were to melt off. Would I even be me anymore?